2018

What an interesting year, I started 2018 by hopping on a plane with my better half across the world for 6days and everyone called us crazy. ‘6days?!?!’ They’d recall. Yes, 6days in New Zealand, all for his brother’s wedding. Something we do not regret and I look back at fondly because yes we were crazy but we did it and it was such a special thing to be a part of and look back at. Although it ruined our bank accounts, but that’s okay.

After doing the crazy 6 day holiday it was back to reality, or figuring out what reality was, I started the year unsure of where I was going to end it, I was still in the process of waiting for a response on my visa. Although I tried to always remain calm and cool about the whole waiting game there were countless times I would freak myself out and cry that I might not get it. I handed my notice in and counted down the days with still no reply. I ended up leaving work, still no plane ticket booked and still no clue if id been accepted. It was scary and I was putting all my faith in god that everything would work out. It did. The day I quit my job I shot my immigration officer a message and he replied id been accepted! You don’t understand the weight that was lifted from my shoulders. I finally had an answer to where I would at the end of the year, my new home. New Zealand. And then I suddenly became a New Zealand resident.

Although the above sounds so happy and everything worked out, we had some bad luck in 2018 that we can only look back and laugh at now, imagine using all your savings on a dream trip to Italy. Then going to check in online for your flights to find your passport missing. Now bearing in mind I was also in the process of finalising my visa which required my passport. I fell off cloud nine hard that night.

I cancelled everything, my passport included. I ordered a new one and 10days later when I got it back I sent it straight to immigration NZ HQ in the UK. They said it would take around 5days, I flew in two weeks so that was okay.

10days later and my passport was still with immigration NZ. Countless emails and being told they never received my passport(lies, I had it signed for but imagine if I hadn’t and I was being told theyd lost my passport which essentially they were telling me they lost my passport.) I was falling futher than id fallen before. The passport saga felt like it was happening all over again expect this time, worse.

Two days before we flew and still unsure if I was actually flying, id spent the past 7months not knowing if I’d be accepted for my visa to getting excited it was finally being all approved to then being told they’d lost my passport it was heart-breaking. I lost all hope I had for the year. I got woken to a phone call from the immigration office saying they had my passport they had just taken down my email wrong and never bothered to contact me any other way in order to get payment to send my passport back. Now a part of me felt like I should argue you’re making ME pay? When you told me you lost my passport and put me through a horribly stressful week?!? But I was so desperate to get it back I made her promise on the phone it would be in my possession the next day so I could still fly.

I finally had my passport back in my hands with a shiny new page stating my residency and I was not letting go. This moment Id been waiting for had finally come, I had my bags packed and I sat on my family couch and just reflected on the past 2 years in England nervous/excited for the year ahead as it was finally starting.

2018 started rough, it tested everything inside me but looking back on it, it adds to the whole journey I’ve been on throughout the past 4years. Nothing has ever been easy for me, in life in general. Sometimes I hear stories from others and wonder how they survived being handed everything on a plate and having paths carved out for them to simply stroll down. I look at everything I’ve worked for and put my heart and soul into and think without these experiences I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I now sit in my apartment with a view of the iconic sky tower with my partner knowing that I don’t have to deal with immigration for another 2 years and even then it’s just to get my paper changed so I can get more privileges. I’m at a job that I only started 5months ago in a higher position than when I started 5months ago and I suddenly forget about all the stress and tears I endured to get here.
I am forever grateful for everything this year has given me and it feels like I can breathe knowing that when I move now it will just be to a new city, not a new country. I have the privilege of being able to buy things I’ve wanted to for years because I can, and because my suitcase is now just for holidays. Not moving my life.

Throughout all this I feel like I am continuously improving on my blog, my Instagram and myself.
It’s been a wild ride 2018, but I’m so excited for everything to come in 2019 and everything I have to share with you.

PS thank you for reading my essay.

I keep seeing over social media people doing the 2012-now flashbacks, so I thought I to would reflect on the past, but the era of 2014-now. Due to trying to find a gif I knew id made on tumblr when I was 18, and suddenly I was falling down a rabbit hole that is my tumblr archive.

‘Depression grabbed his throat and choked the life out of him slowly.’

The feels hit me hard.
Suddenly I was reading my words, thinking that can’t have been me? But it was.
I found things like this –







It felt surreal to look back and see such a broken shell of a human, and then look in the mirror and see a whole shell with bits chipped. I kind of feel like one of those breakable piggy banks, back In 2014 I smashed it and I’ve spent the past few years trying to glue the pieces back together and it took till today looking back to realise I did it.
My brain isn’t fully okay, and I don’t think it ever will be, but I do have the worry that it will get worse again. I never fully remembered what my bad days were till I started reading about them again. I guess it’s a bit like mind blocking, you don’t want to remember what once scared you.

But the important thing I noticed from this is how far ive come, how proud you have to be when you look back on your past. Sure maybe you don’t have a bad past, life’s been peaches and im glad. But one day the rollercoaster might dip, but its important to remember hold on for the ride because soon you’ll be looking back at the drop and smile, because you’re not there anymore.
At the same time I believe its important to remember to be a kind soul, if your kind to others, others will be kind to you. I am constantly complementing people when out rather than having the mind-set of oh my god what is she wearing, I have the mind-set of man her hairs nice. Damn she was pretty. Ooo look at her butt, I bet she squats. Its something ive developed over the years of removing toxic people, but once you start being in a positive kind frame of mind, its easy.

Push others, and push yourself. Look back on the past with pride not anger or defeat. Im still a long way to go, but im working on myself more than I was before.

I would highly recommend if you’re struggling, the book – depression and other magic tricks by Sabrina Benaim. I have linked it so check it out. I got gifted it by the wonderful @betty.blushes and it has honestly been like reading a glimmer of hope.