Father’s Day.
I stopped posting for #dearjune on the English Father’s day. I was mentally down and physically sick. So I stopped, and I haven’t brought myself to write again because I know there’s only one thing I can write about.
I recently got frustrated at an influencer for not sharing her story with one of her parents that she is clearly estranged from at their own choice. I knew it would help people, aka me. Then I realised I have never really posted about my situation online either.
Every year on the UKs father’s day, everyone posts their pictures and kind words all over Facebook. And I hide. My mental health deters and I fall into the same fatherless black whole every year.
I claim not to have a father. Because 5years ago I officially cut all contact with him. But I was detached years before that.
Growing up my parents seemed invincible, they hid their problems just like I hide all mine now. But during my teen years the cracks began to show and everything around me came crashing down.
My father started paying less and less interest in my life as he developed a new family. Out with the old in with the new right?
I saw my mother in a way I hadn’t before and I tried to do everything I could to keep her afloat while I sunk down. I became clinically depressed and started having panic attacks. My teens were supposed to be fun and the best times of my life, but due to my father mine became trying to keep myself alive and help my mother through all the shit storm that came with court.
The last message I ever sent my father was New Year ’s Day 2015.
Let me tell you, cutting someone out of your life when they’re someone people naturally ask about is the hardest thing you will have to do. I say this a lot.
The other day I was watching a father daughter dance and I started crying so hard. Because I will never get that. Im lucky I have my partner who loans his father out to me whenever I get sad. But I will never admit I am down, because he is not worth my tears. For I don’t cry over him. I cry over the idea of him. I cry over the idea of the father I should have in my life.
People will always tell you ‘you only have two parents you shouldn’t fall out with them over silly things. Life is too short they’ll be gone before you know it.’
But there’s only one you. And is it worth it constantly feeling worthless, second best and put down by someone who should be your biggest fan.
Honestly a weight gets lifted when you cut someone out that has been dragging you down for so long. But it’s okay to still feel sad after, we’re all human.
The reason I decided to speak out is because I know people go through this silently, because I am. Sometimes I feel guilty for being upset because it was my choice. But it’s important to remember it’s okay. You can still stand by your decision and have down days.
I personally would give anything to read someone else’s story on the same subject. But for now I hope mine helps.
I recently got frustrated at an influencer for not sharing her story with one of her parents that she is clearly estranged from at their own choice. I knew it would help people, aka me. Then I realised I have never really posted about my situation online either.
Every year on the UKs father’s day, everyone posts their pictures and kind words all over Facebook. And I hide. My mental health deters and I fall into the same fatherless black whole every year.
I claim not to have a father. Because 5years ago I officially cut all contact with him. But I was detached years before that.
Growing up my parents seemed invincible, they hid their problems just like I hide all mine now. But during my teen years the cracks began to show and everything around me came crashing down.
My father started paying less and less interest in my life as he developed a new family. Out with the old in with the new right?
I saw my mother in a way I hadn’t before and I tried to do everything I could to keep her afloat while I sunk down. I became clinically depressed and started having panic attacks. My teens were supposed to be fun and the best times of my life, but due to my father mine became trying to keep myself alive and help my mother through all the shit storm that came with court.
The last message I ever sent my father was New Year ’s Day 2015.
Let me tell you, cutting someone out of your life when they’re someone people naturally ask about is the hardest thing you will have to do. I say this a lot.
The other day I was watching a father daughter dance and I started crying so hard. Because I will never get that. Im lucky I have my partner who loans his father out to me whenever I get sad. But I will never admit I am down, because he is not worth my tears. For I don’t cry over him. I cry over the idea of him. I cry over the idea of the father I should have in my life.
People will always tell you ‘you only have two parents you shouldn’t fall out with them over silly things. Life is too short they’ll be gone before you know it.’
But there’s only one you. And is it worth it constantly feeling worthless, second best and put down by someone who should be your biggest fan.
Honestly a weight gets lifted when you cut someone out that has been dragging you down for so long. But it’s okay to still feel sad after, we’re all human.
The reason I decided to speak out is because I know people go through this silently, because I am. Sometimes I feel guilty for being upset because it was my choice. But it’s important to remember it’s okay. You can still stand by your decision and have down days.
I personally would give anything to read someone else’s story on the same subject. But for now I hope mine helps.
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