When I was 12, my dream was to be noticed on youtube. Fred was at the height of the game, Shane Dawson was my idol and people did most of their videos on webcam or a pixelated phone. It was a new platform and I wanted in. So I set my webcam up and I made some of the most random videos. It was just me, being 12 year old me. I didn’t have to think I just filmed and uploaded. I remember I got a message of Mysterguitarman promoting his channel and I freaked out that this amazingly talented guy could have seen some of my videos.
Then I made a video lip-syncing to Scouting for girls and people at school found it funny to laugh about it around me at school. People who I thought were my friends were making fun of my videos and I caved. I deleted everything id put on the channel and I gave up.

It took me years of wanting to upload again before I actually did. I uploaded my first video on my ‘new’ channel when I was 14. Id sent ideas of intros to a friend to approve and id filmed loads of stuff claiming these would be my first videos again and just never had the balls to upload them. And then something in my life happened and I kicked my butt into gear and decided I was going to get big on youtube to support my family. So I started filming and uploading. This time a little bit more thought out, but I was still this weird girl at school, the fear of anyone seeing what I was uploading lingered.
So someone found a video and posted it on facebook. I cried, and I debated quitting it all again. But at the time I had a different friendship group and they were a lot more supportive. I uploaded videos religiously till I was 18. My life documented and not even the good part of my life, I was a nerdy weird looking kid who sounded common as hell. I cringe when I watch any of those videos back but I feel proud of that kid for doing what she wanted to do and didn’t care about anyone else.

I upload every now and then but the fire has gone unfortunately. My passion for creating videos is there but it needs a spark to relight the fire and in all honesty my spark has switched to my blog. Since I stopped filming I started writing which I find a lot more therapeutic. However sometimes I have things that I can’t put into writing but can find words for.
I started an Instagram separate from my personal and started taking pictures id been craving to take however I didn’t want people I knew to find my Instagram once again. I made a persona that people wouldn’t be able to guess and I made sure I didn’t show my face. I look back and find it funny how I wanted to hide away what I was creating but I knew deep down I didn’t really want to. I still don’t. I look at other peoples blogs, and Instagram’s and I crave to have the confidence to be like them. I want to have the story highlights, I want to have the stories that people watch. However im stuck in the mind-set I had when I was 14, hiding in case people decide to pipe up again with negativity over something I hold so precious to my heart.
I don’t tell people I have a blog.
I forget, and its not because I’m not proud of it, but it’s because I fear people who have spent the past few years putting me down will put down my greatest joy. And its no way to live a life.
I live in fear that people that don’t even know me will make fun, I feel like I’m 12 again back in school trying so hard to fit in. But I am so much more than that.

I run this amazing blog that I am proud of, I have people tell me that they love my writing, I take pictures that get more likes than I thought they would. And all I want to do is go up from there. I want to make our experience, from blogger to reader a lot more personal. So when I move I am going to try get back into creating again. Do those Instagram stories, maybe upload a new videos. Do whatever I feel like. And stop worrying about what others think.