Tonight as I drove home, I ended up directing myself to Morrisons to pick up a bottle of wine. I haven’t had a bottle of wine in months, heck it feels like years. As I cracked it open and sat on my bed, I felt nothing but sadness. This was the reason I bought the wine, to fill the sadness. But it hasn’t helped. Fuck its probably made it worse, but it’s a Friday night I deserve to drink wine… and be sad?
No I don’t deserve to be sad but I am.
My brain feels sad, it feels alone. And in my current situation I am.

But its made me think about how much I miss living in a flat with others. When I was 19 I moved out of a family home and moved In to my own flat with a friend I honestly thought was awesome and a guy I didn’t know very well. Soon the friend became a cunt and the guy became a friend. But that’s life, we learn, we live. But I miss the company. I miss not being alone, I miss being able to knock on my flat mates door and drink wine, I miss taking countdown trips at 11:45pm in onsies. I miss talking in the garage for hours with pals because we could. I miss being around people, people who lived for the moment and loved nothing more than hanging out and adventures. Not obsessing over getting drunk every weekend and talking shit about others that haven’t done anything wrong to them. What happened to girls supporting girls?

As I realise all this it makes me sad. That I left it, I chose to come back to England and leave my living alone in flats, why? I thought I missed people back home. Turns out they hated me and I shouldn’t have come back. It would have saved me a lot of money if they would have told me that before. Now im sat drinking wine looking through someones likes on twitter. Someone who I miss, someone who I once called a best friend, someone whom im so desperate to hit up and hang out with I keep debating just driving to their house. But I don’t want to reach out for them to share with their group for everyone to talk shit about my desperate attempt to be a friend. Im stuck living alone, in anxiety over talking to someone I once looked forward to seeing constantly. Someone whom I wish I was drinking this wine with right now.

I was always content with my loneliness when I was 18, probably because I got to pretend every weekend I wasn’t alone. But now I cant, I have to accept everyone’s living their lives and the one person that wants to hang out with me is 12,000 miles away. Soon I will enter back into that world, and re build my life I was once created. But right now, its killing me. I never realised how much I hated being alone, till I truly realised I am alone.
These thoughts eat you up. Till one day you realise, hey if no one wants to check in with me. Why should I still exist? And then you’re gone.