It seems that being in England makes my depression and anxiety light up like a firework. At first I thought it was the country as a whole, and then I realised it’s not, it’s more the area im in and the people I surrounded myself with.

You see when I was at my lowest point I was also making a video raising awareness for mental health and in it I admitted my feelings, how I felt crazy. Because at the time I thought it was all me, you do when you’re that low and inside your head. Its all you, you’re making yourself this way, you’re the reason why no one likes you etc. It got posted and I know a lot of the people I surrounded myself with saw it.
At the time I thought nothing of it, the only person I didn’t want seeing it was my mother. I didn’t care about anyone else. No one said a thing, and I didn’t bat an eyelid.
Now, wiser, ive grown up mentally, and I have a few good people having heavy influences on my life. This has now led me to see, it wasn’t internally me making myself crazier, but the people I surround myself with.
Not one person who I cared for and thought they cared for me asked me if I was okay. Not one person checked to see how I was doing, asked me questions about it. They all saw, and ignored. And this hurts me deeply now. Not at the time, because I was too wrapped up in trying to get my head better to notice. But now that Im older, and would do anything for those I love. But I didn’t have a support system like I needed when I was 17/18. Instead I surrounded myself with people who didn’t think of me as equal, didn’t really notice if I wasn’t there. And thus pushed me further and further to the ground.

The reason im writing about this is because I think its important. Mental health isn’t something that’s widely talked about and dealing with it a lot recently has made my eyes(and mind) open to something new, it made me look at my past and realise it wasn’t just me. And I think its important for anyone going through it, or that has been through it to realise. Often or not you need to take a step back and question; who is helping your life, and who is hindering it? Its so easy to be blinded by friendship when without it you’d have no one. And having no one seems scarier than keeping the person who’s digging your grave around.