Day 13- 3/07/16

Not a page from the book.

It's a traveling day for me today. And my nerves have been kicking in for the past few days. So I've been thinking about a certain word a lot.

Anxiety.

I don't like claiming I have anxiety or telling people how I feel, or labelling myself at all. The only person I share my thoughts on this subject with is my boyfriend.

Claiming you have a mental illness often comes with the backlash of people asking how you know. Saying you don't because it's not as extreme as there's. Or because you haven't been properly ‘diagnosed’ by a doctor on this.

It didn't click to me how much anxiety I had inside my body till a few months ago. Which is a little weird. As I have the odd panic attack and found myself not doing things or going places because I felt anxious. But I just never put two and two together.

Yet here I was not able to go into a coffee shop because I'd never been in there before so made my boyfriend come in, stand with me while I order, and find a seat with me. Then as soon as we found a seat he had to go. And then i felt okay.
This was when it clicked that it wasn't he first time this has happened or I've felt this way.

Now last night as I was planning my trip away, and getting worried as I do. I realised that as much as my boyfriend helps me through these hard times and allows me to do more. He also makes it worse though.
2years ago I had to do everything by myself there was no ifs and buts. I didn't have people who wanted to hang out with me so if I wanted to do something I had to do it myself.

Now I have become reliant on him; more than I would like. But he is my best friend and travel buddy and he makes me feel okay.

It's crazy how the mind works and when you think your okay your actually not. And the one person who makes your life good; can hinder certain aspects in a good and bad way.