I don’t have a lot of loyal friends; in fact I could probably count the amount I have on one hand. However there is two friends in my life that always surprise me that they’re still around; after all these years.

Let me introduce you to my oldest of these two friends; my good pal depression. Depression has been a friend in my life since I was around 12 years old; despite not fully acknowledging depression till I was 17 and I truly learnt what it was. It became more than a friend. It consumed me, it took over my life and I struggled to get it back. It became the suffocating friend that won’t leave you alone no matter how far away you run. And I ran hard, all the way to New Zealand. It followed me a little, but I breathed and I was free. I didn’t have all the things depression thrived off surrounding me; it tried to grab onto to new aspects of my life. But I fought them, and I finally had some people around me that gave me a hand to pull me away from depression; seeing it wasn’t a good friend to be around. However when it did creep back up and jump back into my life I didn’t feel as scared of it as I did before. I didn’t accept him into my life but I knew deep down I was going to be okay with him around.

I will come back to depression after I introduce a new friend who knows depression well.

Anxiety. Anxiety is a new friend I learnt about just a few months back; I struggled to accept me and anxiety were friends but the signs were becoming more and more clear the more we hung out. Anxiety and depression don’t hang out with me at the same time, which is nice, I appreciate that. But when depression disappears anxiety kicks in, like he’s jealous of all the time he wasn’t in my life. I can’t do a lot when anxiety is around unless I’m with my partner. He understands that anxiety can easily control me and helps me get around its vicious ways. But I can’t talk about anxiety like that. It would be rude; he’s been more loyal to me than other friends.

The problem with these friends is they make me feel conflicted. One makes me feel like the world would be a much better place without me, it feeds of the fact I have people in my life that don’t like me and proves they wouldn’t be that bothered if I wasn’t here. However anxiety makes me question everything ive done, did I say that sentence right? I know I have the right change because I counted it enough times but I should count it just once more just incase. I know its not normal to send a text to someone who I should class as a friend and be shaking this much but I cant control my breathing and anxiety keeps telling me that’s okay.

Anxiety makes me mind race constantly.
Depression makes me feel numb.
Anxiety shows me every mistake I make.
Depression shows me how little people care about me.
Anxiety drives me crazy.
Depression drives me crazy.

But they’re my friends. They’ve been there for me more than anyone else. I don’t know what my life would be like without them. Happy?

The saddest part about this all is sometimes I sit and wonder and realise if id have come back to England alone, there’s a high chance depression would have finished me off for good. The saddest part is my partner can see how depression controls me. He sees how it consumes it. He can see what feeds it.

But the hardest thing in your life to do is cut things out. You can try, we can all try, but it takes a while. These aren’t the only things I need to accept and cut out of my life.  That’s what I realised this weekend as anxiety started me off before depression left me alone crying in a bathroom at a party alone.