When I was 8 years old a boy I had a crush on told me he’d never go out with me because I had curly bits on the side of my hair. I clipped them back so no hair was out of place that a year later he finally said yes.

This started me believing I grew up ugly.

When I was 11 a boy I didn’t know asked me out, I said yes because it was highschool. He later dumped me and I was heartbroken to find out that night hed asked out one of the most popular girls in our year. I suddenly deemed myself unworthy of his attention due to not being in the right crowd. I wasn’t cool enough for him, I wasn’t pretty enough for him.

I grew up believing I was ugly.

When I was 12 I had a family member pass away and the next day all my friends stopped talking to me. I didn’t know what had happened as I walked the halls alone and they avoided eye contact. They called me depressed and said they didn’t want to hang around with me. I was reminded that I wasn’t cool enough for them, I wasn’t pretty enough for them.

I grew up believing I was ugly.

When I was 13 I cut my hair short, I loved it. Because I had short hair, a boy a year below me decided he was going to shout boy at me every time he saw me. He’d make comments to his friends, he’d laugh as I turned around and he had to pretend he didn’t know it was a girl. I avoided every room he was in because every time I saw him I was reminded I was not pretty.

I grew up believing I was ugly.

When I was 14 I became friends with a lot of guys, they made it feel okay to be uncool. But they taught me what teenage boys really looked for in a girl, and it was something I lacked. I learnt that if I didn’t grow a pair of breasts for them to gaze their eyes upon I was never going to find anyone who would find me attractive. From then on till I was 18 I was constantly told by the male population that I didn’t have any boobs, as if I have never looked in the mirror or saw my own body and this comment was completely new to me. They found it their place to tell me what I needed to be pretty and what I was lacking.

I grew up believing I was ugly.

When I was 15  a boy asked me  out, I said yes because it was my birthday but I wasn’t sure if I liked this boy. The day after he told me he didn’t know he liked me because he liked one of the popular girls in our group, the one all the boys liked. I knew I couldn’t compete. I was reminded once again that I wasn’t pretty enough.

I grew up believing I was ugly.

When I was 16 I had a crush on a friend that I thought had a crush on me, it was coming up to prom time and he wouldn’t tell me who he was asking so my brain got excited and thought maybe he was asking me. I found out from a friend he’d asked the same girl the boy that asked me out liked. The same girl every boy liked. My heart sank as I knew once again I couldn’t compete.

I grew up believing I was ugly.

When i was 17, I started wearing makeup and developing my own style, I ditched the clips and let the curly hair out. I started gaining confidence and discovered alcohol helps you kiss boys. I started to realise that hey maybe it wasn’t me, and it was everyone else that’s ugly. I suddenly had male attention that id spent the past 5 years craving, I started feeling validated because that’s all I wanted, I wanted someone to want me.

I’m now 14 years older from the first time I started believing I was ugly. I still get urged to clip all my curly hair up. I still look in the mirror and get reminded of every guy that told me I was flat chested. I still twinge everytime my boyfriend calls me pretty. Because although It was all I ever wanted, im still struggling to believe that his words are the truth when I programmed myself to believe every word I heard during high school was the truth. Ive learnt to control my own body, I make the jokes about my lack of breasts now. Not the guys. Im in control of how I feel now. Not some teenage boy.

I would do anything to go back to High School me and tell her fuck them. Fuck what they think. When you’re 18 you’ll be on a night out and they won’t even recognise you. Live for that moment where you realise you won. Not them.


I grew up believing I was ugly, and I’m spending the rest of my life proving I’m not.